Bathroom Etiquette

After several lowly bar-back sessions, i found out that people are downright disgusting. And not in the lovable way we are. As soon as people get a few drinks in them their level of domestication drops three rungs on the stepladder of comme il faut behavior.

Here are some recent examples of horrendous drunken debacles: the office of home sweet home is situated adjacent to the men's bathroom. Now, our walls are sturdy, but they can only stand so much abuse before they cave. Some drunken brute managed to kick a hole (or maybe punch in a Hulk-like fashion) through the men's bathroom into the office. Now, there is absolutely no practical reason for doing so, as the hole was too small to fit through and there was nothing of value in the immediate area of convergence. The thing that confuses me the most is that this hole took about 3 weeks to create; the tunneler came back several times to continue bashing through the wall. If only we could find him!

Last night someone indescribably violated the same bathroom. I understand that, sometimes, when the drinking gets rough so do the bowels. It's a pretty standard procedure, the drug and alcohol-induced splatterings. It's an ugly side of the nightlife that should stay on the downlow, expressed only through whispers and winces. But what this man did to that toilet was uncannily disturbing. The poop was so rotten it brought me to tears. I am amazed at my hardy constitution because I kept the rare vegan dinner still inside me. Granted it's vileness, I could deal with the poop. I couldn't deal with the pooper's handling of the situation, however. To cover it up, he thought it would be novel to throw in a few rolls of toilet paper. Not just balled up clusters, but thick, full rolls. It was like a cylindrical ivory tower of soggy rising out of a Cocytus even more dreadful than Dante envisioned.

I stormed the tower and crumbled its droopy walls with much animosity and even more mop. What went through the person's mind after such a shameful deposit? "Maybe if I dump everything I can get my hands on into the toilet no one will notice? I guess it's better if I ruin this toilet for everyone else who needs to piss. Fuck you home sweet home! Feel the terrible wrath of my asshole (my favorite of course)!" This, among a few other reasons, is why I pushed hard for the installation of cameras in the bathrooms. According to my pal Rosie, this was well-documented in an episode of Law and Order and resulted in some hefty jail time. Note: She is also the primary suspect.

All I'm saying is that everyone should be more respectful towards the bathrooms, and those who are paid very little to clean a whole lot of messes. And, I think, it'd be better for mankind if we washed our hands and abided by the unwritten code of bathroom morality.

- Cory